Are Bad Dating Habits Keeping You Single?
Five tips to free yourself from common dating traps
By Lisa Steadman, The Relationship Journalist
In the search for love, it's all too easy to get sidetracked by bad dates, broken hearts, and bad love habits. And while bad dates and broken hearts are part of the dating journey toward happily-ever-after, bad love habits can and should be avoided at all costs.
So what's a bad love habit? Any dysfunctional, destructive, difficult belief or habit you have towards love and relationships that's keeping you from finding, attracting, and/or maintaining a healthy relationship. The following are some common bad dating beliefs:
You choose potential partners who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs.
You think love has to be difficult, painful, and/or hard.
You think your potential partner is going to fix whatever you don't like about yourself or your life.
You think your potential partner is going to fix whatever you don't like about yourself or your life.
You believe time is running out on your search for love and/or your chance to have children.
If any of the above sound familiar, don't worry. You're not a lost cause. In fact, with a little time and effort, you can turn things around! What follows are five simple and effective tips and techniques geared toward helping you break free of limiting relationship beliefs and bad dating habits. Practiced over time, you can and will kick any bad dating habit -- for good!
1. Identify the dating traps you're stuck in
Think you've got to miraculously solve all your problems before you'll be deserving of love? Convinced there are no good "ones" left? Or do you believe that your perfect partner will one day swoop in and magically save you from your life? If any or all of the above sound familiar, chances are good that you suffer from some common dating traps. In order to become a successful single, you first need to free yourself from these traps. Acknowledging the traps you're stuck in is the first step. Next, you've got to break free of these traps, as well as any other limiting or destructive beliefs that are keeping you stuck. To find out how, keep reading.
2. Assess your excess baggage
Next, it's important to get honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates (or in life in general). What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, not your present or future. If you've got negative or destructive beliefs or fears weighing you down, you owe it to yourself to dump that excess baggage!
3. Dump your excess baggage
In order to have a happily ever after future, you have to first believe you deserve finding a mate. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they've got to go. Thank them for the lessons you've learned and tell them that it's now time for you to stand on your own two feet. In your mind's eye, give them the heave-ho! Next, start visualizing the kind of life you want to have, complete with your dream job, perfect partner, ideal home, etc. By getting clear about what you want, you give yourself permission to attract it.
4. Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like "I'll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job." The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute!
When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting and new opportunities.
When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting and new opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until something external happens, today's the day to start celebrating the joy in your everyday life.
5. Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you're baggage light and dating-trap free, it's time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself "Love/dating/my ideal relationship is..." and then fill in the blank with the appropriate words (words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.). By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes, and as a result, you'll start attracting happier and healthier potential partners. Love that!
So there you have it -- five simple dating tips and techniques to help you break free of limiting relationship beliefs and bad love habits. May you learn them, love them, live them. In doing so, you just may fall in love with your life all over again, not to mention exponentially increase your chances of future relationship success.
Good luck and happy dating!
2 comentários:
Four Ways to Turn Jealousy Into an Asset
By Dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.
It all started when you saw him or her looking at the cutie. And it went downhill from there. You may have made some jabbing accusations, started a yelling match, sulked, or generally made your partner pay. You felt justified, righteous. Worried, self-doubting, and sure that your partner was in the wrong. What you really wanted was reassurance and love -- the glorious unconditional kind. Sometimes you got it. Sometimes you didn't. Most all of us have had a few incidents like this. And there are those of us who have had more than a few.
Jealousy is a form of negative self-talk which research shows can cause anxiety and depression.
Jealousy is a form of negative self-talk which research shows can cause anxiety and depression. We all know it can lead to painful heartbreak, scads of worry, out-of-control outbursts, and setbacks in a relationship. It can even destroy love. But is it possible that jealousy can ever be a good thing?
Making jealousy work for you
Let's take a look at some ways that moderate spurts of jealousy might actually work in your favor. First of all, let's say your partner spends what seems to be an awfully long time laughing at some cutie's jokes. That worried jealous feeling in your gut can serve to show you that your partner is desirable to you. We have a tendency to devalue anyone who wants to be in a club that would have us as a member. Plus, after being in a relationship for a while, the sparks tend to die down. So seeing someone validate your partner's attractiveness is a good thing. It fans the sparks you still have for your partner. That flash of green in your eyes is a sign that you still care about and want him or her.
Secondly, having a jealous spell can give you tremendous insight into your own insecurities and negative self-talk. "She has such thin thighs...my thighs are fat." "She is so bubbly...and I am boring." "He is smooth, knows what to say...I never seem to make her happy." You can notice the ticker-tape of negative beliefs and worries about yourself when you become jealous. This is very important, because if you notice these ideas you can actually change them.
Third, mild attacks of jealousy can be a good thing because they can motivate you to grow and make yourself better. If you see your partner paying attention to some well-kept, in-shape person, you may think to yourself, "It's back to the gym for me!" If you see your partner flirting with a good-looking gal or guy, you may decide to work on your intimacy moves instead of letting your partner go wanting in that department.
Fourth, jealousy may show you that you need more from your partner: more attention, more compliments, more affection, or more passion. Then you can work on making it happen. If you are feeling loved and grounded in your relationship, you are less likely to become jealous. If you are fresh from a night of passion and "I love you's," another person cannot compete! No more jealousy.
What to do when jealousy happens
Here are four steps to help you turn jealousy into a positive force:
1. When you feel jealous, realize that it is a sign of how much you care for your partner. Make a point of being affectionate and caring. Tell them just how special and great they are. Chances are, they will focus even more attention on you and forget about anyone else.
2. Journal about the negative self-talk that jealousy brings up for you. For every negative statement, write a positive one. For example, if you write, "I have ugly acne," add a sentence like "My eyes are a gorgeous blue." This will actually help you rewire your brain circuitry in a positive way!
3. Notice what qualities make you jealous. Is it the fact that the other person is in great shape? Or that they are sensual? Make a plan to work on yourself so that you develop some of those same qualities.
4. When you are feeling jealous, think about what you might need from your partner. And use positive and straight talk to ask for it. For example, you might say, "Honey, I would love it if you would rub my shoulders and kiss the nape of my neck."
When jealousy goes too far
Of course, some of us have chronic and major struggles with jealousy. If you have the same scenario playing out over and over again where anger and fighting keep erupting, you may have a serious problem with the green-eyed monster. This often occurs if your partner has cheated on you in the past or if you are terribly insecure about your attractiveness to your partner. The painful saga may drag on with one lover after another. It results from picking players or people who are not into you or provoking good partners into unfaithfulness with your constant accusations.
Serious and chronic jealousy is a type of paranoid self-talk that destroys love.
Serious and chronic jealousy is a type of paranoid self-talk that destroys love. With this kind of severe jealousy, it is best to go into individual or couples therapy to work out the deeper issues.
The ultimate goal is to not allow jealousy to create negative self-talk and destructive comments and behavior. Instead, use spurts of jealousy to help you develop more positive self-talk, to be a better person, and to create more love in your life.
Needy Moves You Must Nix
By Orlando Lima
A needy woman is a big buzz kill. The problem is, a lot of chicks have no clue when they're acting like the human version of Velcro. But after reading this list of things that make guys beg for breathing room, you won't be able to claim ignorance.
Seeking His Approval
We have enough of our own doubts to deal with without having to reassure you perpetually. So asking us to weigh in on your most minute decisions ("Should I get bangs?") is a guaranteed system meltdown. Sure, we want to be consulted on major issues, like if you're thinking about leaving town, but for everything else, assume our two cents isn't even worth that. "My girlfriend's sister won't buy a pair of earrings without getting her boyfriend's okay," says Nelson,* 28. "Unless he's paying, I guarantee he doesn't care. I'm so glad my woman has more confidence in her decision-making abilities."
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:
Dating Smarts You Must Have
Intimacy Tips From Guys
Relying on Him for Fun
Since most women are born social organizers, it's off-putting to find yourself with a girl who expects you to provide the entertainment. That makes us feel like we're leaving you in the lurch every time we have to work late, go out of town, or hang with the boys. Don't be afraid to do your own thing, like 31-year-old Tim's girlfriend does. "I was dying to watch the game with the guys, but my girlfriend and I had made tentative plans," he says. "I was psyched when she asked if we could reschedule because she wanted a girls' night out."
Reading into His Actions
If your guy didn't say "I love you" at the end of your last phone conversation per usual, the relationship isn't doomed. Overanalyzing these little things will push him away... and make him think you're nuts. "My girlfriend bought me an expensive pair of shoes, which I wore religiously," says Drew, 28. "One day she noticed I wasn't wearing them and started tripping that I didn't love her anymore. She felt stupid when I told her the shoes were being resoled. Where does she get these crazy ideas anyway?" Dating lesson: Take things at face value; that's what we do.
Gluing Yourself to Him
A guy gets a little queasy when a girl attaches to him in social situations. Think mandatory hand-holding, nonstop body contact... don't make me go on. But just because we're not big on being shadowed, doesn't mean we're not into you. Take it from Michael, 30: "When I go to a party or a bar with Beth, instead of following me, she works the room on her own," he says. "Every now and then, she'll eye me across the room, but she doesn't need to be attached to me, which is great." Dating bonus: Maintaining a hands-off policy in public makes us even more eager to get intimate when we're alone.
Postar um comentário